thisandthat

i started this entry listing down all my dissapointments and regrets about what did or did not happen,…

but then i deleted them all because it occured to me that it may not be worth it.

i wish i can talk to you,but honestly, i no longer know how to. how can i?when everything i say is taken out of context, when every joke i make is offensive, when i think about how offensive i have become ‘just by being me’.

i will not explain,because there is nothing to explain. i will not defend, because i don’t have the energy anymore.

i’m tired now.i’m tired of being positive, i’m tired of being supportive. i’ve tried but it seems like i’ll just never ever be good enough for you. i’m tired of competing with you, yes, you can have it all. i no longer care.

but sometimes i wish i could ask, when you say sorry for not being a good friend, what does it mean, really?does it mean you’re sorry because you are not a good friend? or does it mean you’re sorry because I am not a good friend to you? you say it too many times that it has lost its meaning.

whatever it is, i will not ask. if you say you want to move on, fine go ahead. if you want to post whatever you want to post as a medium of communication to me, then by all means.if you say i perasan, i accept that too,but memang i perasan sebenarnya.

i must learn.i must learn.i must learn this time. but i can’t help it. i can’t help thinking of how i can remember the major events in your life, but you don’t remember most of mine?even when you were there…was i that invisable, that insignificant, that unimportant, that unmemorable?it’s sad really, but i need to learn,i need to learn,i need to learn.

in answer to your question, no i do not like the feeling of regret.which is why i live life without regrets. things happen,but i choose my destiny and whatever that has happen between us,know that i have no regrets. it’s dissapointing,but regrets?no.regrets hold us down and i….i prefer to fly.

and for the record, eventhough it knocked the wind off me when you told me,know that i have never found you to be ‘offensive’ to me.

the reason of the season has passed,…maybe this time i will learn to let go.

i feel so tired…and im not just talking about physically tired,but mentally and emotionally draining exhaustion.just one of those days i suppose,when walking away seems like the easiest path to take.i’m so tired of pushing myself,but i still do because there is still some fight left in this body,but im tired,so help me God,i dont want to complain,and i’m grateful for everything and all my blessings,i promise,but i’m so tired.im tired of being independent.im tired of being the person to lean on,im tired of being the one who takes the other path.sometimes i just want to be,less. im not all that strong.im not.im tired of being different.im tired of standing out.im tired of this facade.i want to crawl in a hole and stay there. im bloody tired.

and today, (though i will never admit it,and you probably will never know)today i thought of you and i missed you.

im just being silly.

so many things are happening in my life these days.some days i feel like there are not enough hours in a day..but then again, i shouldn’t blame the hours, i should blame myself for not appreciating the things that are happenning, the people in my life, and not making the most of 24 hours. july is aproaching, and im feeling a mixture of excitement and dread…don’t get me wrong, after 2 and 1/2 years of sitting behind the desk, my life now is fresh,and stimulating.a friend of mine told me about what i’m allegedly missing out on,but no matter,i consider this a precious experience,cuz if not now,then when else do i get the opportunity to improve myself?in the capacity that i am doing it?

anyways,blogging is such a useful invention i think. sometimes i love reading other people’s blogs anoynymously (well its there to be read rite?)and i don’t mind if people read mine,or not,cuz personally, i just use my blog to express myself. I don’t update my blog all that regularly, and recently i deleted 2007s entries and some photograph. anyways,thats not the reason im writing out this entry.in fact all these stuff i just wrote are completely unrelated,hahaha…so what its my blog isn’t it???

some of you may by now realise that i a new blog entry for me, is a new drama.

like i told mina,i think its sad,well i feel sad lah, because there are times when you discover this:i thought we were friends.i thought that you were friends with me because you liked me.i was so honest and sincere but it turns out that i was just an outlet.nowadays, i’m not sure about a lot of the people i deal with anymore. these people who i thought were my friends??hahaha…i feel like such a bloody idiot when i think about it. and the sad thing is, i feel bad,honestly because i hurt some people, but then again im not sure about these people i hurt either. nowadays, i really dont know whos sincere or not.im insecure,like that.

its so funny how i find out things sometimes.harmless goss and news that turn horrifying when it reaches me. i have a new resolution for july.im gonna steer clear of these people and their dramas.i dont want to know anymore,cuz in the end,it hurt me and i don’t like to be hurt like this.

so many things are happening in my life these days.some days i feel like there are not enough hours in a day..but then again, i shouldn’t blame the hours, i should blame myself for not appreciating the things that are happenning, the people in my life, and not making the most of 24 hours. july is aproaching, and im feeling a mixture of excitement and dread…don’t get me wrong, after 2 and 1/2 years of sitting behind the desk, my life now is fresh,and stimulating.a friend of mine told me about what i’m allegedly missing out on,but no matter,i consider this a precious experience,cuz if not now,then when else do i get the opportunity to improve myself?in the capacity that i am doing it?

anyways,blogging is such a useful invention i think. sometimes i love reading other people’s blogs anoynymously (well its there to be read rite?)and i don’t mind if people read mine,or not,cuz personally, i just use my blog to express myself. I don’t update my blog all that regularly, and recently i deleted 2007s entries and some photograph. anyways,thats not the reason im writing out this entry.in fact all these stuff i just wrote are completely unrelated,hahaha…so what its my blog isn’t it???

some of you may by now realise that i a new blog entry for me, is a new drama.

like i told mina,i think its sad,well i feel sad lah, because there are times when you discover this:i thought we were friends.i thought that you were friends with me because you liked me.i was so honest and sincere but it turns out that i was just an outlet.nowadays, i’m not sure about a lot of the people i deal with anymore. these people who i thought were my friends??hahaha…i feel like such a bloody idiot when i think about it. and the sad thing is, i feel bad,honestly because i hurt some people, but then again im not sure about these people i hurt either. nowadays, i really dont know whos sincere or not.im insecure,like that.

its so funny how i find out things sometimes.harmless goss and news that turn horrifying when it reaches me. i have a new resolution for july.im gonna steer clear of these people and their dramas.i dont want to know anymore,cuz in the end,it hurt me and i don’t like to be hurt like this.

never ever.

never ever let me discover that the real reason you’ve been friends with me is because you just wanna get closer to someone i am close with. never ever.that’s a warning, and that is all.

been rudely jolted with fucked up discoveries lately, and its really bloody fucked up i think, because its so stupid,to think that, i treat my "friendships" seriously, to think that i honestly thought you were my friend, and to discover that you’ve been having this hidden agenda all along, its so fucking fucked up and i hate it. i promise you that this will be the last time you ever make a fool of me, i promise, and you better take note, cuz if you’re reading this, and you feel like its you i’m referring to then it bloody well may be, so don’t even think of pretending to be innocent and dont you dare ask me whas up cuz i assure you that you will get a piece of my uncensored opinions. so if you’re not up to the challenge of a face off with me, then don’t even provoke me, cuz at this moment i am so in the mood to break your sorry excuse of a face.

you make me sick.

oh.bloody hell.

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON
I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their e-mail. Your response will be interesting. Pay attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you. Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they w alk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you l ifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

i live and breathe and yet i swear i don’t belong.

i have no idea what i’m doing here.

open,close.open,close.

all i can think of now is that i am so mentally tired!!!!

month end is here again.bored outta my wits.

and,also,i miss you.

sigh.

There you are again
I see you all the time
We haven’t really met yet,
But you know, I don’t mind
‘Cuz I think today’s the day
I’m gonna go right up and say to you
Would it be alright
If I called you up sometime?

There you go again
I let you get away
At least I’ve got more time
To think of what I might say (like)
"Couldn’t we be good" (or maybe)
"Don’t you think that we should find
Some quiet little place where we’d make love all day?"

Come and talk to me
What are you waiting for
‘Cuz I can see you passing every day and I’m always wanting more
Come and talk to me
What are you gonna do
‘Cuz I can’t seem to get the nerve to get off my own ass
And come and talk to you

You know I love the type
You look like you’ve been up all night
And yet somehow still look beautiful
You do it all at the same time
Whenever you walk by
You always look me in the eyes
And in that moment I know
the same thing’s on your mind

It always seems to be that I let the good things pass by
Because I let my fear stop me (but not this time)

Copyright (c) 2006 EMI Music

i went home to papar on sunday,punya lah main hujan.i was bored and feverish and probably disillusioned somewhat. anyway,ive nothing exciting to talk about this morning cuz im having such a headache and some trouble breathing due to all this mucus!!! haha..

oh n yeah, i went to see my dad yesterday=)

thats all.